i’m not fat at all.

i still agree with that statement. i don’t honestly think i’m fat and i know that i am nowhere near overweight. i just have many imperfections, that could be fixed by losing weight.

anyway, i was a gymnast until my freshman year, when i decided to quit to get more involved with friends & sports at school. that summer, I “caught” my dad cheating on my mom. he later told me that i shouldnt have been listening to his conversation, and that him and Bridget (gf) had only done what Ryan (my now ex) and i had done [his little girl wasnt a virgin anymore], but he said held hands and kissed. right there started him off like a dumbass. i honestly don’t give a shit if you fucked the bitch or just held her hand. giving your emotions to someone else, is cheating. so, my parents seperated that summer. i started noticing my toned body was fading, leaving me looking pudgy, around the middle of my sophomore year. memory: i was on the phone with Ryan, crying because i felt so fat and so ugly.

the first time i did it: i remember i was simply too full. i didnt think this is going to make me fat, i just felt like i would explode from eating so much and being so uncomfortable.

i was running track at the end of my sophomore year when i began purging regularly. i remember i would be starving after two and a half hours of sprints, so i would ask my mom to take me to McDonalds for food. i ate everything i got, and um, well.. its mcdonalds, so i tried not to keep much of it in. i actually did very well in track that year. i made it to districts in the hurdles; that summer i stopped purging and started restricting, as well as over-exercising. all of the purging and restricting i had done, hadn’t made me lose any weight, but i didnt realize then that i had an ed.

i started my junior year in the fall of ’08. i did well- ate how i always had without purging, but then i lost muscle, from not running anymore. i needed something to help me lose weight. i began purging more and more, until it slowly became every dinner on school nights, i would purge, and sometimes when i went out to dinner with Corey on the weekends, i would purge. i never really ate breakfast so i pretty much only got in lunch, and breakfast sometimes on the weekends, but no dinner most of the time. i also started doing high school gymnastics, where i began restricting throughout the school day, purging whatever i ate after school, and exercising at gymnastics. i did lose a tiny bit of weight! my legs looked so hott, but then i started to eat lunch at school again, and gained it back. at the end of the gymnastics season, i tore cartilage in my knee and had to get surgery even while i was still purging. the surgery meant i was out of track for a few weeks, and when i came back i got mono. i was actually very happy to get mono because i hated track. i just wanted to go home every day after school, not stay and run. being out of track, i started smoking weed love the shit. so i smoked, and i began restricting all day at school, and purging everything i ate, in which case i started losing weight.

over the summer i would just restrict or purge everything i ate, making my weight drop from 130 in may to 104 in september.

i lost 30 pounds in for months.
that is a very brief and incomplete story on my ed.

-B

my cat seems to be a bit of a compulsive eater. she meows allll the effing time and then once we do feed her, she gorges and eats a ton, so she doesn’t have any food for the next 24 hours. in order to hopefully save my cat from diabetes (if she doesn’t already have it), i was thinking about a meal plan for pussy. haha

before introducing the meal plan, here is my beauty Cammi:

she’s a big gal!

so i was think this: feed her 1/4 a cup of cat food every six hours, and three TBS of cat food every six hours (every three hours between meals).

my hope: she’ll lose weight, and learn to eat small meals throughout the day, so i only have to feed her one time, and she doesnt binge on it. thoughts?

thanks!

-B

so, like Shelley, i was in IOP because i have.. well, i’m not sure what. severe bulimia maybe? i don’t really eat organic or health food at all ha. so anyway, i was in IOP. I graduated after TEN WEEKS of Hell. i absolutely hated LOATHED IOP. I thought it was totally ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong– i loved the support & people, Carolyn, Jean & Sanja, but all of the DBT skills and stuff.. it didnt doesnt work for me. (Shelley, if you’re reading this, please, please, please don’t say anything about this to anyone at The Center.) anyway, i got out of IOP and now i’m just back to it. it’s really bad. i just want to apologize to anyone if this is triggering or hard.. i’m so sorry.

well anyway, today was laaame. i haven’t done aaanything over break & i REALLY don’t want to go back to school blahh.

but, on a positive note, i’m so happy that it snowed! i hope it snows a lot more!

well it’s laaate & i’ve got to get up kinda early for outpatient.

have a great wednesday!

my birthday is coming kinda soon [[Feb. 12]] & i reeaaally want a tattoo!

i want this on my left right side. buttt, i was thinking instead of doves, i would get angels and get my grandfather’s initials in one and if my grandma passes before me, get her initials in the other angel.

any thoughts?

Love, B.

So i’m driving this morning and hear an ad on the radio of a woman at Lifestyle Fitness, telling me to drop weight from the holidays “like it’s hot.”
Normally commercials don’t bother me at all, but i was thinking.. one, why is this targeted for women specifically, and not gender neutral, and two, who gave a RADIO COMMERCIAL permission to make me feel bad about my body and feel like i need to work out??

this media stuff is ridiculous..

So anyway, I woke up today, went tanning (yay! ), came home, got ready and went to Bug’s grandma’s for his dad’s family Christmas. It was really strange.. they had spaghetti but the sauce was anchovy and bacon; not spaghetti sauce. Frankly, it tasted like what dog food smells like… needless to say, I didn’t like it. But i did have some fruit and lasagna, so yum!

Alright yesterday I totally forgot to say what my honeybee got me for Christmas! He got me a bowl, which i named Sheila, and he got me the eighth season of CSI! Love himmm!

Oh yes- on my way tanning today, I was thinking about boys and cars. I havent had many long relationships; one that was about a year and a half, and Corey and I have been together since July 1, 2008 (we’ve had a few breakups in between). But anyway, I’ve had maybe four other “flings” in between Ryan and Corey, and I’ve concluded the following:

Boys in Mustangs- perverts and jerks.

Boys in Civics- amazing boyfriends.

Boys in Jeeps- steal your heart & never give it back.

Boys in Trucks- perfect. these are the boys you want <3

Ha thats just from my experiences! Anyone have any to add?!

Love, B.

Alright… Down to the point: I’m 17 years old, with blonde hair and brown eyes. My boyfriend (i call him Bug) is my soulmate- I love him more than anyone. Out of every person I’ve met in my life, he is the only one that has listened to everything I’ve had to say, rather than caring more about his own feelings and problems.

I know it sounds selfish to say that right? But I don’t mean it to be bitchy…

In middle school, my best friend *Nina was awful. She was not a good friend to me and *Lexi, my other best friend. Nina would get mad over stupid little things, but if Lexi or I got mad at her for the same reason, Hell would literally break loose. The worst part about having her as my best friend in middle school, was that in middle school, you go through SO many changes and you need your friends to support you, and listen to your problems; to comfort you and give you advice on how to fix the situation. Well, Nina wasn’t like that. Her problems were more important than mine or Lexi’s… Yeah, ok, i can see that they SHOULD be, but it was more like her problems were the only ones that mattered… and her problems were very important to me. So in my three years of middle school, I was taught by my “best friend” that my problems arent worth speaking about and that I shouldn’t share whats on my heart, and what is upsetting me.

But my honeybee is different… he always listens to what is bothering me, no matter what it is, and he always encourages me to tell him exactly how I’m feeling. I love that about him. I wish everyone could have someone like him in their lives. He’s just incredible.

Sooo… yesterday was Christmas! I wasn’t very excited at all to be honest. I’m more excited now than I was yesterday before opening presents. But, I did get some good presents. J’Adore Dior perfume, Juicy Couture & Viva la Juicy perfume, DVR for my room, a heater for my room, thank God, gift cards and money. I love the perfume the most haha

Anyway, Christmas was good. Bug came with me to my grandma’s. It could have gone better… I really don’t like having little cousins anymore. My grandma used to be my best friend but now she’s busier with all of my other cousins that she barely ever calls or sees me unless I go to her house and visit.. and even then I call her to come over its actually really upsetting for me.

Which, brings me to another piece of my life: Where should I go to college? So far I’ve gotten into Ohio University and the University of Hawaii at Manoa. I’ve also applied to UKY too.. but I’m not sure where to go. I recently decided that I was going to Hawaii so that when i come back, hopefully my family will be happy to see me, and for once, I will have their attention… but probably not. My baby cousin and 5 year old cousin are more important to everyone…

I feel so selfish because that’s normally not me but that’s the realization I think I’ve come to and I can’t help but want attention from someone in my family… Is that too much to ask?

-B

*Lame, I know, but I changed the names in this post. Seeing as it’s my first time writing, I don’t know how comfortable I am being so open.. Sorry!